If you haven’t already heard of the Kardashian’s, then you must have been living under a rock for the past 3 years. However, trying to explain to one of these bizarre rock dwellers who the Kardashian’s are, and what they actually do is somewhat difficult. None of them have cured a disease, or sold out Wembley or really have any tangible form of talent. Kim Kardashian has forged a career out of dating a string of minor American sport stars, producing poor quality homemade sex tapes and having one of the most heavily publicised but fleeting marriages of the decade, whilst her family tag along behind her feeding off her many mistakes like parasitic insects. The whole family are featured in their popular reality TV show,’ Keeping Up With The Kardashians’, which follows them around and films them living their normal daily lives. When I say normal, I use the term loosely. Their idea of a hard day’s work is moving some boxes around in their pretend shop, Dash and turning up 3 hours late for a magazine photo shoot, where God forbid, they might have to have a fringe cut in.
For the purposes of explaining to you who they are, I’d like to imagine them as characters in a rather vapid and boring Jackie Collins style novel, in which the letter K features predominantly. Kim, Khloe and Kourtney are the glamazonian daughters of Kris Kardashian, who was married to Robert Kardashian, O.J. Simpson’s lawyer. Kris and Robert split after taking opposing sides during the O.J trial, and then ended up getting divorced, sadly Robert Kardashian passed away due to cancer. Kris then married Olympic athlete/plastic face man Bruce Jenner, father of reality TV star Brody Jenner from The Hills. Kris and Bruce had two daughters of their own, Kendall and Kylie. The Kardashian-Jenner clan was born.
Bruce Jenner has to be one of the highlights of the show; he subsists in a matriarchal household where he battles daily with the menstrual cycles of at least 4 hormonal women. The only thing he has to look forward to is maybe getting the chance to spend a few hours flying around a toy helicopter, which is about the only time that he doesn’t look like he’s about to shit himself. And he has a reason to be scared, the Kardashian women will flip out at anything. The sisters are constantly fighting with each other about who borrowed whose handbag, and who gets more attention than the others. Now these sound like pretty normal arguments to have in a large, close knit family. It’s slightly sinister however, when you consider that Kim Kardashian is 31, and will cry hysterically for hours if she gets shouted at by her sisters, which she does… a lot.
You might be thinking, for someone who seems to dislike them so much, you know quite a lot about them, and you would be right. I do know a lot about them because I love the show. Watching it is like a form of escapism, there’s no mention of final exams, or dissertations, or gas bills. They live in a lovely clean bubble where they spend endless amounts of money without having to do any work. And for all their shortcomings and annoying personality traits, they do have some positive qualities. For instance, Khloe has a cracking sense of humour; she coined the phrase ‘douche lord’, and upon discovering she was being arrested for drunk driving, she responded with ‘fuck a duck’. These are two phrases that I have adopted into my daily vocabulary.
It’s very easy to dismiss the Kardashian’s as a family of brainless, money grabbing air heads, but in reality, we’re all just kicking ourselves that we don’t have protruding posteriors to rival Kim Kardashian’s that we can sit back on all day. They’re cleverer than all of us put together because while we’re sat here moaning about them and eating chips, they’re in L.A somewhere, spending thousands of pounds on underwear and getting meals made for them by their personal chef, Bernard who probably wears a gold plated hat.
